So, I have some thoughts here... (I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS. THIS IS GREAT. But, starting with one bite at a time...)
For me, ENM is NEVER about the sex (although, I find when one falls in love they typically want to have sex...It's just a way to connect more deeply.) It's more about the love, the connection. I find if we give ourselves the space and courage to see things through, they flourish and form a natural "order" with one another, so-to-speak. It's very Taoist, I know.
I read this paragraph "Couples need to be prepared for what they are going to do when, not if, but when someone gets jealous, when someone develops feelings for a person outside of the relationship, and when a person in the relationship is feeling neglected. I’ve seen couples I thought were incredibly self-aware and amazing at communication struggle with these things, and have their relationship break down over these issues. Jealousy is a bitch, and neglect quickly turns into resentment."
YES.
Emotional neglect is it being done THE WRONG WAY. (IMO.) But the feelings- the love- that's the point of it for me. It's about being open to different types of love and ALLOWING THOSE.
But the only way to really combat this effect is for one to go inward and find wholeness within themselves. I used to be VERY jealous, even angry, about other women. You may remember from a Day 1. call a comment I made about eating someone's organs who publicly flirted with my partner on a social audio app... But the more I explore of myself, the more I see that those things are my own triggers and spiritual cirriculum creeping up. When I'd get "jealous" I'd be unkind to those I love, and that would destroy what I wanted to build.
You're right on the money in that we're not adult enough for this. We show up as unhealed children and we make a mess. It isn't our fault.
I also place a lot of blame (shocker) on the Western "goal-line" insistance for everything relationship to lead to something, or to have a defined purpose. Great love knows no bounds... And it can be over, in an instant, "just like that."
I am grateful you wrote this, Paige. I'm so tired of society blanket-defending an unnatural status quo. Do people feel in their bodies that one partner is the way? I guess as you said, it's different for everyone... And, I'm endlessly curious.
I definitely think the “goal-line” is a part of the issue. I also believe and I have had many conversations with others how it’s crazy to expect one person to be able to fulfill all our needs or satisfy every part of us—emotionally and sexually.
I am also so curious. And it’s so fascinating just to watch how my own opinions and behavior changes over time as I heal and grow and learn more about myself.
I tend to think very few people would be naturally monogamous if we hadn’t all been raised that way but I’d just love to see people allowed to be without the shame and judgment.
So, I have some thoughts here... (I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS. THIS IS GREAT. But, starting with one bite at a time...)
For me, ENM is NEVER about the sex (although, I find when one falls in love they typically want to have sex...It's just a way to connect more deeply.) It's more about the love, the connection. I find if we give ourselves the space and courage to see things through, they flourish and form a natural "order" with one another, so-to-speak. It's very Taoist, I know.
I read this paragraph "Couples need to be prepared for what they are going to do when, not if, but when someone gets jealous, when someone develops feelings for a person outside of the relationship, and when a person in the relationship is feeling neglected. I’ve seen couples I thought were incredibly self-aware and amazing at communication struggle with these things, and have their relationship break down over these issues. Jealousy is a bitch, and neglect quickly turns into resentment."
YES.
Emotional neglect is it being done THE WRONG WAY. (IMO.) But the feelings- the love- that's the point of it for me. It's about being open to different types of love and ALLOWING THOSE.
But the only way to really combat this effect is for one to go inward and find wholeness within themselves. I used to be VERY jealous, even angry, about other women. You may remember from a Day 1. call a comment I made about eating someone's organs who publicly flirted with my partner on a social audio app... But the more I explore of myself, the more I see that those things are my own triggers and spiritual cirriculum creeping up. When I'd get "jealous" I'd be unkind to those I love, and that would destroy what I wanted to build.
You're right on the money in that we're not adult enough for this. We show up as unhealed children and we make a mess. It isn't our fault.
I also place a lot of blame (shocker) on the Western "goal-line" insistance for everything relationship to lead to something, or to have a defined purpose. Great love knows no bounds... And it can be over, in an instant, "just like that."
I am grateful you wrote this, Paige. I'm so tired of society blanket-defending an unnatural status quo. Do people feel in their bodies that one partner is the way? I guess as you said, it's different for everyone... And, I'm endlessly curious.
So much truth here.
I definitely think the “goal-line” is a part of the issue. I also believe and I have had many conversations with others how it’s crazy to expect one person to be able to fulfill all our needs or satisfy every part of us—emotionally and sexually.
I am also so curious. And it’s so fascinating just to watch how my own opinions and behavior changes over time as I heal and grow and learn more about myself.
I tend to think very few people would be naturally monogamous if we hadn’t all been raised that way but I’d just love to see people allowed to be without the shame and judgment.
Amen, my friend.