Monogamy has been the norm for 1,000s of years.
At least in heterosexual relationships, but divorce rates seem to be always climbing, more and more people are opting out of marriage altogether, and cheating has become so commonplace it seems the offenders aren’t even shamed for their behavior anymore.
What gives?
I’m reading this fascinating book, “Sex at Dawn”, that suggests humans aren’t by nature monogamous, and by trying to force ourselves into long-term relationships with one person we are setting ourselves up for failure—and boredom. I’m not very far into the book so I can’t tell you how it ends or if it offers any advice on what we are to do, but what I’ve read so far is so interesting.
I think, too, this problem of divorce and rampant cheating is a relatively new one for a number of reasons.
Humans are living longer than ever before. A lifelong commitment to one person is a lot different when we live to be 85 vs. 35 or even 50.
Social media and the internet have changed everything. Never before have humans been able to compare their entire existence to people they don’t know, people they’ve never met, and people they probably wouldn’t even like if they did meet in real life. The people you knew and interacted with used to be confined to the area/community you lived in. There was no chance of rekindling a romance with an ex 15 years later if you didn’t physically run into them. Now you can find almost anyone online, and that honestly changes everything.
And what I think is actually a positive part of the equation, is the sexual revolution that started in the 60s/70s and is only continuing. Women in particular are more aware of what brings them pleasure and less likely to settle for something less than that.
But what’s the solution?
Is non-monogamy the answer?
My amazing friend
has been exploring polyamory on her substack, and I particularly loved this post. She said, “Another thing people confuse nonmonogamy for is some sort of sex fest.”And from my personal experience with open relationships or ethical non-monogamy (ENM for short), she’s not wrong. In almost all situations I’ve been a part of it is all about the sex. People open their relationships for the sex, without any thought about the emotions and feelings involved.
Everyone wants the sex—the no-strings-attached, the passion, the kind of fucking that doesn’t seem possible 10 years and two kids in. But no one seems to account for the inevitable rise of emotions, and how to navigate them. Everyone wants to have a threesome, participate in an orgy, or try swinging but no one seems to be prepared for what happens afterward.
Everyone wants to believe they can have all the sex and none of the feelings, but unless you plan to have a very long string of one-night stands it’s inevitable that emotions will eventually become part of the equation.
Even for me—a woman who is very good at “fucking like a man”, meaning I’m perfectly capable of having lots of casual sex no emotions or messy relationships needed—feelings do happen. There was a guy I hooked up with a couple of times last summer who I felt a connection with almost immediately. We tried, unsuccessfully, to get together a few more times (scheduling is hard sometimes) and I haven’t spoken to him in over six months but I still have to fight the urge to text him months later because feelings. I’m single, it will hurt no one (except maybe my pride and possibly my heart) if I fall for someone who was only meant to be a hook-up, but if you’re in an open relationship that’s not usually the case.
We’re not adult enough for non-monogamy.
From my own open marriage, which ended with my heart broken and a divorce, to the experiences I’ve had with others in ENM relationships it’s clear to me most of us (myself included, at least at one point) aren’t emotionally mature enough, good enough communicators, or willing to be honest and vulnerable enough for those kinds of relationships to work long-term—at least not in a cultural that prioritizes monogamy and marriage.
Couples need to be prepared for what they are going to do when, not if, but when someone gets jealous, when someone develops feelings for a person outside of the relationship, and when a person in the relationship is feeling neglected. I’ve seen couples I thought were incredibly self-aware and amazing at communication struggle with these things, and have their relationship break down over these issues. Jealousy is a bitch, and neglect quickly turns into resentment.
I think a lot of couples choose to open their relationships in an effort to “save” them and I can tell you from personal experience that isn’t going to work. Open relationships require a level of trust, respect, vulnerability, honesty, and communication that even the healthiest of relationships and individuals may not be capable of let alone ones already struggling. If your marriage is already under strain adding more people and more complicated feelings into the mix is going to do more harm than good.
My ex and I made a lot of mistakes when it came to our open relationship. For one, our intentions were all wrong—though neither of us would’ve admitted it at the time. Second, we created a set of boundaries and “rules” but after the initial discussion, we didn’t talk about them much again. I firmly believe for any type of ENM relationship to be successful it requires constant communication and evaluation of what is working and what is not. Third, we, and by we I mean he, made no effort to prioritize our relationship. I remember once when I was trying to share my feelings about how I was feeling and about how long it had been since we’d had sex and he basically said I could just go get it somewhere else. Yeahhh… that’s not how it’s supposed to work.
So what is the answer?
We’re naturally sexual and, according to at least some research, by nature non-monogamous. Yet we live in a society that puts decades-long relationships on a pedestal and anything outside of a monogamous marriage and nuclear family unit is seen as less than. And still, our marriages and monogamous relationships are breaking down at astounding rates. But it also seems unlikely that the majority of the population is going to be on board with or emotionally mature enough to successfully participate in ethical non-monogamy anytime soon.
I will note here that there is a HUGE range of ways people put ENM relationships into practice from simple open relationships where each party is “allowed” to have sex with other people to inviting others into their relationships to swinging to polyamory where people have significant relationships with multiple different people—and probably lots of things in between that I’m not familiar with.
The main teacher in my sex & relationship coaching course believes that sex doesn’t have to stagnate as a relationship wears on. She is passionate about sex getting better and better as the relationship progresses. I’m early enough in my training that I’m not entirely sure how that’s accomplished yet, but I’d like to believe it’s true.
I’d like to believe there are choices outside of being bored in your marriage forever or having an ENM relationship. Not because I’m opposed to ENM relationships, in fact, I know a few (heavy emphasis on the few) couples who seem to be incredibly happy and fulfilled with their non-monogamous relationships. But because I want to believe it’s possible to connect on such a deep level with another person the sex is magic and only gets better the deeper your connection gets.
I don’t think there is one solution for everyone. Non-monogamy isn’t the answer for every person or couple, just like polyamory, marriage or celibacy isn’t the right answer for every person or couple.
But I do believe we have to have the ability to explore the options that work best for us and our relationships without the shame or judgment of whether or not we are doing it “right”. Because it’s clear whatever most of us are doing right now isn’t working.
This post is part of Let’s Talk About Sex, a section of Sex, Love, & the Naked Truth. Thank you for being here and joining me on this journey.
So, I have some thoughts here... (I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS. THIS IS GREAT. But, starting with one bite at a time...)
For me, ENM is NEVER about the sex (although, I find when one falls in love they typically want to have sex...It's just a way to connect more deeply.) It's more about the love, the connection. I find if we give ourselves the space and courage to see things through, they flourish and form a natural "order" with one another, so-to-speak. It's very Taoist, I know.
I read this paragraph "Couples need to be prepared for what they are going to do when, not if, but when someone gets jealous, when someone develops feelings for a person outside of the relationship, and when a person in the relationship is feeling neglected. I’ve seen couples I thought were incredibly self-aware and amazing at communication struggle with these things, and have their relationship break down over these issues. Jealousy is a bitch, and neglect quickly turns into resentment."
YES.
Emotional neglect is it being done THE WRONG WAY. (IMO.) But the feelings- the love- that's the point of it for me. It's about being open to different types of love and ALLOWING THOSE.
But the only way to really combat this effect is for one to go inward and find wholeness within themselves. I used to be VERY jealous, even angry, about other women. You may remember from a Day 1. call a comment I made about eating someone's organs who publicly flirted with my partner on a social audio app... But the more I explore of myself, the more I see that those things are my own triggers and spiritual cirriculum creeping up. When I'd get "jealous" I'd be unkind to those I love, and that would destroy what I wanted to build.
You're right on the money in that we're not adult enough for this. We show up as unhealed children and we make a mess. It isn't our fault.
I also place a lot of blame (shocker) on the Western "goal-line" insistance for everything relationship to lead to something, or to have a defined purpose. Great love knows no bounds... And it can be over, in an instant, "just like that."
I am grateful you wrote this, Paige. I'm so tired of society blanket-defending an unnatural status quo. Do people feel in their bodies that one partner is the way? I guess as you said, it's different for everyone... And, I'm endlessly curious.