Normal isn't real

Sex can be whatever you want it to be.

There is no such thing as normal when it comes to sex.

I’m not talking about the things our bodies do or don’t do during sex, because there are some things that are pretty standard and some things, like pain, that definitely aren’t normal. In this case, I’m talking about desires, fantasies, the things that turn you on or off, and so much more. Because with the implication that there is a normal is the implication that there is a deviant, a weird, or even wrong. I prefer to believe consenting adult sex has no such boundaries. The keywords there being consenting and adult.

There is definitely a scale of preferences ranging from very vanilla to extremely kinky, but who gets to decide what on that scale is “normal”? In my mind, it makes logical sense that the definitions of what is sexually normal come largely from organized religion or your parents/family/community, or a combination of the two.

Which is all well and fine if, and that’s a big if, your desires, sexuality, partner’s beliefs, and sexual experiences all line up with that definition of normal.

A breeding ground for shame and comparison.

If, however, you venture even a little bit outside of your accepted definition of normal you are met with a shit-storm of emotions and questions and guilt and shame. And if there is anything that doesn’t belong in the room with sex, it’s shame. As someone who was called a sexual deviant by a former partner, I can say with certainty, nothing kills your confidence, desire, and self-esteem in the bedroom faster than knowing your partner thinks you’re a weirdo. Nothing kills your own sex drive faster than questioning if you’re actually a weirdo or not.

Having a normal for anything only creates comparison. Are we having sex often enough? Is he making enough noise? Am I making too much noise? Why can all the girls in the romance novels I read orgasm 10 times in a row but I can only do it once? Is it normal to masturbate regularly when you’re in a committed relationship? Do other people never make out?

I could probably just spend the rest of this piece writing out questions I’ve had or that I’ve heard from other people, but I think you get the point. Which is, when there is some arbitrary definition of normal that we are all trying to achieve we start comparing ourselves and our relationships and our sex lives to other people. And really nothing good ever comes from playing the comparison game. Because sex is supposed to be fun and fulfilling and pleasurable, and if you are worrying about whether or not you’re doing it the same as your next-door neighbor or even yourself from three years ago, it’s going to be none of those things.

The ebb and flow of sexuality

Here’s the other thing—desires, turn-ons, how often you want to have sex—it can and will all change as we go through life. What I liked in my mid-20s is different than what I wanted as a new Mom and is even more different than what I like now. And it’ll probably change more as I continue to age and learn more about myself and what I really truly like, not just what I say I like to please someone else.

But I know from experience that if you think a certain set of things are sexually normal and suddenly find yourself enjoying things outside of those boundaries it can be confusing, and shame-inducing. Bodies, feelings, hormones, partners, all the things change and that includes the way you view sex. Why box yourself in from the get go?

You get to define what your normal is in this moment and that’s it. Just because it’s not something you would do, doesn’t mean it’s weird or deviant. Because when it comes to sex there is no such thing as normal. There are just humans, lots of really diverse humans with as many different desires and interests as there are people on this planet.

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