Nobody actually knows what they’re doing.
The longer I’m on this planet and the more people I interact with the more I’m convinced this is true, especially when it comes to dating, sex, and relationships. But I especially feel like don’t know what I’m doing.
I can easily count on both hands the number of dates I went on in high school and college combined, married my first boyfriend, and am now tip-toeing back into the dating pool after more than a decade of being off the market. You guys, shit is confusing out there.
People say they want one thing and then do the opposite. You are having what you think is a great conversation then all of a sudden are blocked or disconnected from (depending on the app) with no explanation. People make different profiles with different names and expect me not to remember that I matched with them before (I always remember and you changing your name by one letter isn’t going to confuse me into forgetting that you ghosted me before).
The male ego is fragile
Some guys are more needy than my 5-year-old, and that is not an exaggeration. If they send me a sexy message or picture and I don’t respond within minutes I get a follow-up later that is always the same, “No?” or “You don’t like?” or “I guess not.” Like what? If we had been having an ongoing, back-and-forth conversation and I just left you hanging maybe, but that’s rarely the case.
I’m not sure what you’re doing with your time at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday but I’m not just sitting around with my hand down my pants waiting for a guy to text me. I have a life and kids and am (usually) uninterested in and unaffected by your unsolicited dick pic.
I met a guy earlier this spring. We had a great connection via text, and I thought we had a good time the one time we hung out. But he kept asking me if I was interested, despite me reassuring him multiple times that I was. He kept saying, “We’re adults if you’re not into me that way just say so and we can still be friends.” But I got annoyed with always having to reassure him I was in fact interested and he slowly stopped responding to my texts. Which leads me to believe it would not have been okay if I told him I wasn’t into him that way as he said.
Are we actually adults?
I think we all want to believe we’re mature adults who can receive news like “No I don’t want to have sex with you,” and be fine with it. But really I think we’re more like a bunch of hurt teenagers running around still unsure how to play this game.
For example, how do you gently tell a guy whom you’ve had sex with a few times that you’re not really interested anymore? Isn’t easier to just stop responding to his texts and hope he gets the hint? How do you tell someone you met during your hoe phase that sorry you have boundaries and self-respect now? No one wants to be ghosted but it seems everyone is okay with doing the ghosting—I’m not innocent here either.
And everyone is looking for something “casual” like what the fuck does that even mean? How many times in a row can you text someone without them responding before you look like a crazy person? How long do wait in between texts, because like we already established people are sometimes busy? When is it okay to just lay all your feelings out and hope they feel the same way? What are the damn rules?
Thank you for being a reader of Let’s Talk About Sex and coming on this vulnerable, important, sometimes rant-filled journey with me. If you know someone who would like to join us please share!
Paige, I've been with a lot of men... And I have to say, the days I tried to find men on dating apps were the worst. In my opinion, it felt like trying to microwave intimacy with a whole bunch of people who had no business knowing me in the first place.
BUT- that's not the case for everyone! My brother met his fiance on Bumble, WHILE THEY LIVED IN DIFFERENT STATES, and five years later, they're getting married. She's wonderful. Truly- I couldn't ask for a better future SIL.
So, it CAN WORK! And does!
Since I haven't been married, I've done "the dance" a good amount of times. I can attest, NONE OF US, especially men, know what we're doing.
I don't know much about casual sex. But I know you don't owe anyone explanations as to why you aren't sharing your body with them anymore.
I think re: your question about "what are the damn rules" is something ... to look at. 😝😉 Because there are no rules. Humans don't have rules! I wish there were rules for this kind of thing, but it's best to just see where you are each day. None of us wake up as the same person today as we were yesterday, so the person you're talking to on Thursday at 5:04 pm might not be the same person you text on Friday at 9:17 am.
We just gotta boogie with what is. Be here now. ❤️