I blogged exclusively about body image for almost two years, so of course this was going to come up. I get it, it’s hard to put the worries about how your body looks and jiggles aside even for sexy time or maybe especially for sexy time?! But please trust me when I say…
They want to see you naked.
And by they I obviously mean whomever it is you are getting naked with. I promise you they do, almost always. Of course, everything has exceptions, but I’m not talking about the exceptions here.
But worries about how your body looks, feels, smells, and tastes aren’t issues reserved for women—men experience body image woes when it comes to sex too. They just can’t talk about it because of the toxic masculinity bullshit running rampant in our culture. Because god-forbid you open up to your bros about your life experiences and concerns. But no that would make you a pussy, and then of course you’ll never get any pussy.*
*I just finished reading the book “Pussy: A Reclamation” and damn do we need to think of a better insult because pussy is not it.
But I digress.
Concerns about your body happen to literally every person during or before or after sex. But you know what? There is someone for everyone.
I am, by every definition of the word, fat. I’m not saying that to degrade myself, it’s just a fact. I’m also beautiful and sexy (yes, I can be all three of those words at the same time), and I promise you there is not a shortage of humans who want to see me undressed; or humans who have already seen me naked and want to do it again.
As I was writing this I got a message that said, “I would love to have those sexy curves in my life.”
I’m not bragging, well maybe a little, but only for myself because 18 months ago when my then-husband blamed all of our relationship problems on my body I was fairly certain no one would ever want to see me naked again. The point is this—no matter what you’ve got going on there is someone, probably lots of people actually, who think you’re incredibly attractive. Tall, skinny, bald, short, fat, hairy, hourglass, stick-straight, whatever your thing is someone else is going to love it.
Confidence is an inside job.
But here’s the thing, having one or a dozen or 100 people tell you you look amazing naked won’t make you feel that way unless you know it for yourself.
I have spent years trying to figure out how to have self-confidence and a good relationship with my body. If you’d like to read about that journey you can check out my website, but the thing that helped the most?
Having sex with myself. Yes, you read that correctly. Being forced to rebuild my life from scratch didn’t hurt either, but when it comes to feeling sexy and confident in my skin and in the bedroom, masturbation was/is absolutely key. Because if you’re grossed out by your own body and the things it does why would you expect anyone else to find it attractive?
Another thing I found that helps boost my confidence is walking around in various states of undress. In private, I should add, just in case anyone gets the wrong idea. It’s all about becoming comfortable in your skin. Look at yourself in the mirror, touch your skin, wear the sexy underwear just because, do your fancy make-up for a Tuesday school dropoff—whatever your thing is that inspires you to feel your best—do that more often.
The energy you put out comes back to you.
I think we’ve all probably heard that confidence is sexy and I’ve always thought “Yeah sure, confidence plus the Sofia Vergara body that inspired it.” But now I have real-life proof that confidence in whatever body you have right now is attractive.
The first time I used a dating app I was not my most confident self. I kind of felt like I had to accept whoever would have me. I was putting out little dick energy so to speak. And that’s exactly what I attracted. Guys I didn’t necessarily want but thought I had to settle for because of my body.
I’ve done a lot of therapy since then. And a lot of work on myself. I no longer believe anyone, myself included, should ever have to settle for someone they don’t truly want to be with (sexually or otherwise) for any reason but especially not because of their body. Now I’m attracting an entirely different sort of people. People I honestly would’ve never thought would be attracted to me, and having more fun than ever before.
Because all bodies jiggle and sweat and make funny noises when bumping up against another naked body. So turn the lights on, revel in the knowledge that the person you’re with most likely thinks you’re hot as fuck, and enjoy your body. We only get one, might as well appreciate it and find pleasure in it as often as possible.
Thank you for being a reader of Let’s Talk About Sex and coming on this vulnerable, important, sometimes rant-filled journey with me. If you know someone who would like to join us please share!
Lights on, 100% of the time. 💯
The part about men!