Obviously, pornography can be problematic.
Just like *almost* anything else can become problematic if we get addicted to it, let it skew our realities, or consume our lives. But in general, I don’t actually think ethically-made porn* is as big of a problem as many people make it out to be.
*I think this is a big deal. Child pornography is a huge problem. But there are companies out there making quality porn while prioritizing actor health and well-being, and providing much-needed sex education. Cheex is one such company.
I started watching porn when I was probably 13 or 14. The first time was a complete accident. It was the early 2000s when access to porn sites was much less regulated than it is now or maybe the internet in general was less regulated. Either way, I was on the internet doing God-knows-what when I was home alone one day, accidentally typed in the wrong website address, and BAM before I could do anything a dozen pop-ups of porn sites were filling the screen.
At first, I tried to close them as fast as I could, but then I was strangely interested. I couldn’t tell you how long I looked at it that first day or how many viruses I likely infected our home computer with, but I do remember crying when I finally shut down the computer.
Because I was raised in a conservative, religious home and also because there were little to no conversations about sex happening in our home what I had just done felt very wrong. But I also really liked it.
I continued to watch porn as often as I could throughout my teenage years and into adulthood and still watch it now if I feel so inclined. I have absolutely zero doubt in my mind that watching porn from such a young age and having no one to talk to about it, shaped many of my early beliefs about sex. How could it not?
My undeveloped brain was being bombarded with images that made my body feel things I’d never felt before, images that I had no idea weren’t really real, and no one to talk to about the images or the feelings in my body. It was a recipe for bad decisions, made worse by the fact that I was a teenager who was ashamed of her actions and terrified of what would happen if anyone found out.
It’s all a fantasy.
I was recently having a discussion with a good friend of mine about my children and what I’m going to do when I catch them watching porn because it’s really not an if when we can hold the entire internet in the palm of our hands.
Why does she insist on making me think of the sweet boys I snuggle every morning like this? But even though it’s easier to pretend I’m never going to have to have these conversations with my sons the reality is it will happen and the more prepared I can be the better.
My response to the question was—it depends on how old they are. Anything before late teens (16+) and it’s a conversation that goes a lot like me telling them I understand they are curious and that the videos or photos they were looking at are exciting but they need to know that those images aren’t real. Most people in real life don’t look like that. Most penises aren’t that big. Most sex doesn’t look like that. And even though it might make them feel good, that isn’t something they need to be watching or looking at right now.
If they are older, although it seems seriously unlikely they’ll be in their late teens the first time they encounter porn, it’s a similar conversation about reality vs. fantasy mixed in with boundaries about how often and when it’s appropriate.
Because that’s what pornography is—a fantasy brought to life. Not unlike superhero movies, fairytales, or first-person shooter video games, except in this case the fantasy is sex.
Where’s the line?
I know many people in the world who think all porn is bad. I’m also aware that because of the nature of porn, it lights up the pleasure and reward centers in your brain differently than a superhero action movie does, that’s what makes it potentially addicting. I’ve heard of and known people who have had their lives turned upside down from the impacts of a porn addiction. Porn, like any other potentially addicting substance, needs to be handled with care. And when it comes to actual human sex, porn is a terrible teacher.
But I don’t believe all porn is inherently bad and anyone watching it is immediately deemed as evil. I think, like most things, it has a time and place. I do think, however, that more people need to view it and treat it for what it is—fantasy. From the most vanilla to the incredibly kinky, porn is our deepest desires and fantasies played out for us to watch. Maybe get a few ideas from, and turn us on when nothing else will do the trick.*
*Although that can be a double-edged sword because just like using a vibrator too much can desensitize you and make it harder to orgasm without one. Watching too much porn can make it increasingly difficult to get aroused without it.
It’s not a sex education tool. It’s not a depiction of what happens in most bedrooms across the world. It’s not a standard for what most bodies look like. It’s definitely not a replacement for a fulfilling sex life, with yourself or someone else. It’s entertainment.
Entertainment that should come with a lot of boundaries, especially if you are in a partnered relationship. Because porn has the potential to be extremely powerful, addicting, and damaging, as evidenced by my 17-year-old self who watched porn on computers at the office I cleaned and thought no one would catch me because I cleared the browser history.
But I think it also has the potential to help you explore your sexuality, discover new things you may want to try and find out what kinds of things turn you on. I’ve found the more I’ve embraced my own sexuality, the things I like, and the healthier my view of sex and sexuality becomes the less I feel the need or desire to watch porn. It can be a useful tool, but it shouldn’t be the only tool. It can be a part of a fun and fulfilling sex life, but it shouldn’t be the whole thing.
Thank you for being a reader of Let’s Talk About Sex and coming on this vulnerable, important, sometimes rant-filled journey with me. If you know someone who would like to join us please share!
Ohhhh I want to respond to this post with a post! I may. Standby!
I don't think anything is wrong with porn either. My buddy and I infected one solitary computer in our high school's yearbook room with probably every virus known to man downloading porn off of Limewire. (That's how I learned what "scat" was— an image I'll never get out of my brain)
Porn has a place... but I think, like anything, it's where you're at and what the "need" is.
As I get older, I realize more and more how sex for anatomy's sake does nothing for me. Perhaps I just don't have a sex drive anymore. Yet, I know I do. I'm a highly sexual person.
I think without the energetic entanglement pre-existing, to me, it just feels like clunking around and wasting time better spent sitting quietly and eating fruit.