I never really understood enthusiastic consent.
Until now, that is. Previously, my inexperienced brain understood consent as simply either yes or no. If I say yes what more do you want? It's kind of like that episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon argues there is no such thing as “more wrong.” Sheldon and I were both very wrong.
Because let me tell you enthusiastic consent is hotttttt. Yes, all the t’s are necessary. Knowing that someone is not only on board with what you want to do but literally panting with excitement is a pretty big turn-on. On the other side, having someone check in before, during, and after trying something new makes me feel like my pleasure is both valued and being prioritized—plus it brings a level of trust and safety into the relationship.
I don’t know about you but I love knowing the person I’m with values my safety and pleasure, and doesn’t only care about how soon they can get off. And shouldn’t that be the gold standard for what we’re all striving for? Why would we want to settle for someone just saying yes when they could say fuck yes?
It’s not a wordless exchange.
There’s a reason this column is called Let’s TALK about Sex. Because I’m a strong believer we all need to be talking about sex more—in our families, with our friends, and certainly with our lovers.
Because you guessed it, enthusiastic consent requires a conversation. Any kind of consent should require a conversation actually. Not a drunken conversation that may or may not hold up in court, but a conversation that everyone participating will remember having the next day.
Whether you’re taking a new person to bed or trying a new kink with your long-term partner consent should never be dubious. And why would you want it to be? Why would you ever want to wonder if the person was really into or if they felt pressured? Or worse if they weren’t in a state to give consent at all?
Which brings me back to enthusiastic consent. There is no misconstruing enthusiastic consent. There is no questioning whether or not everyone is on board because it’s crystal clear that they are. Because that’s the whole point!
It’s all about fuck yes energy.
One of my best friends and I were talking about this the other day and I said, “I only have time for fuck yes energy.” In life in general and when it comes to sex. Because if something doesn’t immediately make me want to say “hell yes” then I’m not excited enough about it to spend my time and energy on it.
The list of sexual things that are a fuck yes for me is long but whether your list is short and sweet or continually growing enthusiastic consent is about boundaries. It’s that communication between lovers that let each other know what they love the most, what really gets them going, and what they can’t wait to do again. Anything else shouldn’t be on your list, because in 2024 we aren’t settling for mediocre sex anymore.
Thank you for being a reader of Let’s Talk About Sex and coming on this vulnerable, important, sometimes rant-filled journey with me. If you know someone who would like to join us please share!