“Yeah, it’s all so hot 3 days in!”
If you’ve ever watched the first Sex and the City movie you may recognize this quote from Miranda. She yells it in the direction of a young couple making out at the dinner table next to them when the girls are on what is supposed to be Carrie and Big’s honeymoon.
But doesn’t that quote really just sum up life in general? Almost anything new is going to be fun and exciting for at least 3 days. A new job, a new workout routine, living in a new city or even a new part of town, a new season.
But since this space is called Let’s Talk About Sex, it definitely applies to new relationships, especially the ones of the sexual variety.
It is hot! You look at them, they look at you and the next thing you know you’re getting naked in the kitchen. It’s effortless.
And a side note here: if it’s not effortless please run in the opposite direction. I don’t mean effortless in that they know all the right things to do and you know the exact moves they love, there is a natural learning curve with a new sexual partner. But if the attraction, the passion, the desire to get naked with this person isn’t there at the beginning it’s not going to be there 10 years and 2 kids later either. If they don’t like kissing in the beginning, they aren’t going to suddenly change their mind after you get married. The sexual compatibility needs to be there or you will struggle against the lack thereof your entire relationship. - Signed a girl who knows
But at some point that I-need-to-fuck-you-right-this-second energy will wear off. According to my psychology of love professor from college, the infatuation phase typically lasts 18ish months, conveniently that’s just long enough for humans to form attachment bonds. It’s usually between 18 and 24 months when the can’t get enough of someone feeling dies down and you start to notice all the annoying habits the heart eyes and horniness helped you ignore.
Then what? What do you do when suddenly the person you couldn’t keep your hands for more than 30 seconds is just a regular human again? One who gets tired and cranky and maybe listens to annoying music.
That’s where effort comes in.
If you are with the same person long enough life will get in the way—if you let it.
Jobs, kids, pets, parents, arguments about what to have for dinner for the 1,700th time, dirty socks on the floor, hair in the shower, someone snoring, death, moving, illness, mental health, Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday night football, and a million more tiny things or big things that can and will push sex and physical intimacy with your person to the bottom of the list if there is no effort and in my experience that’s not a good thing. Because if you tell me sex isn’t important to a successful, long-term romantic relationship I will tell you you’re wrong.
There are natural ebbs and flows in relationships. All the things I listed above plus a bunch of things I didn’t can and likely will have an impact on your sex life. There will be times when sex can’t and won’t be anywhere near the top of the list (anyone who’s had a baby knows what I mean). But the laws of physics apply here. Couples having sex will want to keep having sex and couples not having sex will… well keep not having sex.
Effort can mean many different things to many different people. But I’m talking about a conscious decision by both parties to make sex a priority.
It’s okay to talk about it.
Somewhere along the way—probably from porn, romance books, and the infatuation phase—we got the idea that if you have to talk about sex with your partner there is something wrong. It should be easy, it should be effortless like it was in the beginning.
People change, bodies change, desires change. Talking about it is good and healthy and probably necessary if you want to keep things alive and well.
Both parties have to put in that effort. Both partners have to put in the work if they want to keep things hot and spicy. Both people have to be willing to get vulnerable and open up about their desires and needs as they grow and change and put judgment aside. It can’t and won’t work if it’s a one-sided thing.
Maybe that means for a while you have to put sex on the actual calendar. Maybe it means you skip lunch and meet up for a quickie. Maybe you decide together sexting is a great way to get you both excited. Maybe you break your screen time rules every Saturday morning and let the kids watch cartoons for an hour. Whatever works for you! Literally, nothing is off the table and nothing is too weird if it works to keep the sexiness alive between you and you’re partner.
Nothing, in my opinion, is sexier than a partner willing to put in the effort to keep me satisfied and vice versa.
Thank you for being a reader of Let’s Talk About Sex and coming on this vulnerable, important, sometimes rant-filled journey with me. If you know someone who would like to join us please share!