I, like any aspiring romance smut author, read 50 Shades of Grey back in 2011-2012. Because I have to see how things end, I read all three books even though I was bored halfway through the first one. They were not good, so bad in fact, I refused to watch the movies until just this year. Side note: the movies were much better than the books and I rarely say that about books turned into movies.
I could list many of the issues I took with the trilogy but one of my biggest complaints? How every single time they had sex Christian told—maybe commanded is better word—Anastasia to “come for me” and every time she did. Every. Single. Time. She would “fall apart at his words.”
If I didn’t know better I would’ve assumed a man wrote that, because I know of exactly zero women who can reliably “come” on command.* Porn doesn’t count because we already established that’s not real.
*If you can orgasm on command I assume you are some kind of magical creature like a unicorn, not like the rest of us humans who don’t possess such powers.
It’s why I’ve never, ever published a sex scene that included a female orgasm that didn’t also include direct clitoral stimulation. I know romance books, much like porn, are meant to be a fantasy. But honestly, 50 Shades of Grey pissed me off so much I just couldn’t write a sex scene that didn’t feel authentic to me at the time.
50 Shades was so ridiculous I started skipping the sex scenes. Yes, me. I started skimming past the far too frequent and far too predictable sex scenes that always ended with an orgasm on command.
It doesn’t really work that way.
Except there seem to be quite a few men out there who didn’t get the memo.
I’ve had more than one person utter those words or some variation of them during sex. Usually also while doing something that has an almost zero percent chance of actually making me come, you know like rapid thrusting and no other bodily stimulation.
Most women, over 80%, don’t come from penetration alone. So for a man to assume that they are A) with one of the few women that can, B) good enough to make it happen, and C) that the woman can do it whenever they command is awfully presumptuous of them.
I can come from penetration alone. It’s a fun new party trick I’ve learned pretty recently, but it’s rare enough that even as the owner of this body I don’t yet know the secret combination of things that makes it happen, let alone being able to control it in a timely fashion. So not only does asking me to do so not do anything but it kind of takes me out of the moment because I immediately start thinking how ridiculous it is.
I don’t normally like to make sweeping generalizations about other people’s sex lives because we are all so different in what works and what doesn’t, but I feel fairly confident in saying if you’ve been with a woman who regularly comes on “command” one of three things is happening.
You’re incredibly lucky to be with someone like that.
She’s faking it.
You’ve gotten very good at reading her cues and knowing when she’s about to come and inserting the command at just the right time. In which case, bravo to you because I imagine you have an incredibly fulfilling and beautiful sex life.
Walk the walk
I even understand why people would say “come for me” or any variation of it. Of course, it’s hot to be in control of another person’s pleasure like that (a bit intimidating maybe, but still hot). Of course, it’s sexy to watch your partner, whether they be casual or long-term, orgasm from your touch. Of course, we all want to be that good in bed.
But if you’re going to be throwing out requests like that you’ve got to know the body of the person you’re requesting it from really well. Or accept the fact that they are probably going to fake it. You really can’t expect a few minutes of jack-rabbit thrusting and three words to do the trick.
Is there a time and a place for someone to whisper “Come for me, baby,” in the heat of the moment? I’m sure there absolutely is. But it’s also not something that we can just be throwing out there willy-nilly and expecting it to actually happen. That includes billionaires in smutty romance novels.
Thank you for being a reader of Let’s Talk About Sex and coming on this vulnerable, important, sometimes rant-filled journey with me. If you know someone who would like to join us please share!
If I come at all, alert the press