This isn’t an opposites-attract situation.
In many areas of a relationship being different than your partner can be a good thing—their spontaneity balances out your need for structure or your everything-will-work-out attitude helps combat their constant overthinking. But when it comes to sex the need to be more similar than different is crucial if you want a fulfilling sex life.
You can’t be someone who wants to have wild animal sex 10 times a day and expect to be happy with someone who prefers lights-off vanilla sex every other Wednesday. That kind of mismatch is obviously an extreme example, but being with someone you aren’t sexually compatible with for a long-term relationship will eventually lead to frustration (both sexually and otherwise), resentment, and bad sex when it does happen.
What exactly is sexual compatibility?
According to my favorite internet sex therapist, Vanessa Marin, there are six pieces to the sexual compatibility pie.
Frequency. This is pretty self-explanatory. Do you and your partner want to have sex at roughly the same frequency? According to Marin, this is often an overestimated piece of compatibility. It’s important for sure, but since frequency varies with seasons of life it’s more important to be in the same ballpark vs. the same exact number.
Mood. Think about the environment you want to have sex in. How do you like to set the mood? What kind of energy and connection do you need to feel the desire? Obviously, we can’t have candles, smooth Jazz, and hours of free time every single time we have sex, but are there non-negotiables for you? I think something that falls into this category that’s not included in Marin’s Instagram post is initiation. How do you like to initiate sex? Or how do you want your partner to initiate sex? Initiation is a huge part of setting the mood, so how do you like it?
Preferences. This seems pretty clear, but the longer you are in a relationship with someone the more important this one becomes (in my opinion). This includes things you enjoy and how long you think sex should last. But it also includes thinking about hard limits, things you might be willing to explore in the future, and how you define sex.
Effort. I think this one is arguably the most important. I wrote an entire post about effort because without effort none of the other things matter. This is defined as the willingness to put effort into your and your partner’s sex life. Contrary to popular belief a great sex life doesn’t come without working at it. It’s not effortless, and if you have a partner who thinks it is or should be my advice would be to run.
Beliefs about sex. Oof I could talk about the impacts beliefs about sex can have on a relationship for days. Do you and your partner have shared or similar beliefs about monogamy, kink, and relationship structure? Do you have similar values when it comes to sex and the importance of your sexual relationship? The answers to these questions are what builds the foundation for your sex life and if you are fundamentally mismatched on really important issues sex and intimacy are going to feel like an uphill battle.
Safety. This is one area I had never thought of until I read Marin’s post, but safety is the final and often overlooked piece of the sexual compatibility puzzle. What is your definition of feeling safe during a sexual encounter? How safe do you feel pushing boundaries or meeting your partner’s preferences (we’re not calling them needs here mmm’k?)?
I’m sure others define sexual compatibility differently, but I think this is a really well-rounded and comprehensive list.
It’s clear to me that the things on this list are interconnected. Your beliefs about sex are going to impact your preferences, your thoughts about safety, and probably the frequency as well. The mood you like to set for sex is going to play a role in how often you get it on. These things all work together to create your sexual identity.
So how do you know if you’re sexually compatible?
Have sex a bunch of times and report back. Just kidding… kind of.
Step one is to know your answers to the questions and your feelings about the topics above. You can’t possibly know if someone else’s beliefs about sex align with yours if you don’t know your own feelings, thoughts, and values around sex and sexuality.
After that, you are likely going to have to talk about it with your partner. And I am a firm believer that this should be an ongoing conversation. Because not surprisingly your feelings about all the things listed above will probably change over time. Sometimes they change so drastically you might not be compatible with your partner anymore. Still, I think with effort and communication, most people can keep their compatibility and spark alive for years and years.
Trust your gut. In the early stages of a new relationship, everything is exciting and it can be really easy to overlook or purposefully ignore things that may bother you. I’ve said this before, but if the sexual compabitlity and fire aren’t there in the beginning they aren’t going to magically appear five or 10 years in. If making out is your favorite thing ever and your new partner doesn’t like kissing don’t pretend like it’s not a big deal. If you like to play and explore in the kink world but your partner doesn’t, don’t think you’ll be able to change them with time. Trust your instincts and intuition and don’t settle for mediocre sex.
And of course, actually have sex! If all signs point in the right direction go for it. Have fun, get to know each other, and see if you mesh well together. Then rinse and repeat until the end of time. Keep talking to your current partner as things grow and change, or start back at the beginning if you get a new partner. Because sexuality isn’t static. It’s an ever-changing ebb and flow that grows and expands and contracts through different seasons of your life.
If you have a partner (or partners) who you are truly compatible with that means your sex life will be able to ebb and flow through life with you. Because does anyone really want a static sex life?
Thank you for being a reader of Let’s Talk About Sex and coming on this vulnerable, important, sometimes rant-filled journey with me. If you know someone who would like to join us please share!